...the

...the beginning?
...the something?
...The End...?

...mountains with a view

It’s incredible how each and every context enables us to experience a different perspective. As individuals it is often said that going away for a while, alone, will enable us to see things afresh, much akin to the phrase ‘absence makes the heart grow fonder’.

So what is it that when we are close to something, so absorbed and unable to extract ourselves, that we cannot see what is in front of us?

Maybe it’s like the inability to read text when the copy is too near to our eyes, everything loses focus and we feel the need to push it away. Or the confusion that can come when journeying at a railway station, so many people, so much noise, information, choices & decisions.

Stepping back, taking time to reflect is often considered wise when wanting a different perspective but where you base that stepping back from can clearly influence the outcome.

For example, being in an aeroplane removes you entirely from any connection with the world. For those hours and moments you are not part of life on earth. You can see life going on in miniscule below, the movement of cars & people, the changing terrain and the weather patterns all happening in a disconnected way allowing you to have a voyeuristic perspective. To me it almost feels like you could have the ability to ‘click & drag’ the scene, move it around, change it at will – simply because I feel so removed from what I am seeing. It certainly gives me a different perspective but not one that I can rationally identify with – it feels completely surreal.

You might therefore think that being on one of the world’s highest mountain ranges, isolated and inaccessible might produce a similar feeling. However for me, I am very much connected to the earth in these surroundings.  Although I might feel a sense of awe of creation and the relative insignificance of myself within that space, mountains do give me the ability to know I am part of creation. That I am here for a time such as this and being alone in the mountains really enables me to connect &  feel that. For me being alone and quiet is important because experiencing such awesomeness with another makes me shift to a perspective where I analyse the view rather than sense it.

Jesus did the same many times during his ministry – when the acceptable norm would have been to remain in that place, surrounded by followers who demanded his attention, miracles and prayers. In the Garden of Gethsemane, Jesus needed to step back and find the true perspective of all that He had been created and called to be.

So for me, maybe the act of stepping back, removing myself and being further away – helps me gain my ‘true’ perspective.

...feelings of self

Whilst I don’t physically or even mentally adjust who I am and the age I portray, I’ve become aware that I do feel a different age dependent on the context I am within. I certainly feel this internally and wonder how much others experience a ‘different age me’ externally? However I guess that if my theory is even partially correct, others also experience shifting in age dependent on context too, so their experience of me would be dependent on their own state.

Ooohhh mind ‘games’ are so exciting, this almost feels like the film Back to the Future.

This thought emerged as I became aware, within a recent friendship, that involuntary changes occur which make me feel significantly different in this situation, from how I feel around other individuals. I’m aware that my language shifts, my body language alters and I actually feel a different age. These behaviours enable me to perceive myself in a whole other, younger and more playful decade of my life.

Similarly I acknowledged when I entered the workplace many years ago, that some individuals in positions of power have the ability to always make me feel like a child in front of the Head Teacher. Scared, afraid, intimidated, regardless of my abilities or even confidence within them. In these situations I feel a very real sense of regression and I’ve always wondered how much this regression is externally perceived by those who unknowingly create the shift in my internal perception.

This is more than just external behavior, be it either physical and/or verbal but it is a deep sense of internal resonance brought about by other individuals, which internally enables me to experience another me. Perhaps a younger me, an independent, free me or a frightened scared child, me…etc.

I’ve always been fascinated in how others see and interpret me, as it’s certainly not straight forward. It would be easy if those in positions of power always had the effect of making me feel and behave like a child, or if those individuals who are playful bring out the carefree me but the connection goes deeper than action correlating to outcome.

And maybe it’s simply that as I get older, I have more physical & cognitive experiences that can draw me back to earlier, other versions or feelings of self.

How will I ever know? I guess I’ll have to find out from others what they experience in me…

...nice to have

As I’ve blogged, I’m aware that I’m frequently tempted to use phrases like ‘for most of us’ but actually I have no idea whether others do actually experience things as I do. In fact I love that life in my world is shades of grey, whereas others maybe see things completely as black and white. A Yes or No, a wrong or right or perhaps love or hate. My rationale behind blogging was to discover and explore some of my everyday thoughts, for me to understand myself more – so for me, this process has become a Necessity, which is what I have been thinking about today.

In my mind, I believe that most of us as we grow up categorise life into Necessities versus Nice to Have’s. The things in life we need versus those we can do without. Maybe even the Black and White versus the Grey. But this led me to wondering if we are simply lacking the vision, desire and ambition to have the whole spectrum?

Children are perfect ‘whole spectrum’ examples. They don’t see things as ‘nice to have’ everything is a ‘must have’, a necessity. “All my friends have it”, “It’s only X hundred pounds” or “I have to do at least 4 after school activities on the same day and you can drive me North, South, East and West”. If you’re a parent, you might recognise this type of mantra.

So what is a Nice to Have and what is a Necessity clearly varies by individual and perhaps context.

This struck me the other day when a friend mentioned that they considered their role a Nice to Have within their organization. It made me feel sad. My friend was clearly looking at the cost benefit analysis (black & white) but hadn’t perhaps considered the whole spectrum, including the grey.

So maybe we shouldn’t be so quick cast things as Nice to Have’s.

If we look in the bible, there are many examples where Jesus appears to do things that wouldn’t stand up to the cost vs. benefit analysis. Had He simply done the big things maybe many more amazing miracles could have been achieved but Jesus saw that sometimes Necessity can be the Nice to Have’s - the small or more insignificant things. The things we don’t always see value in… encouragement, inspiration, motivation, a kind action, a touch, a look, a smile…

What might be Nice to Have to me might be Necessity for another. Or indeed my Nice to Have today could be tomorrow’s Necessity. So black, white & grey can be all be good, let’s choose to live ‘whole spectrum’ lives.

...revealing

“I‘ve never told anyone that before…”

I was watching a film recently and the phrase above was spoken and it made my body shiver.

I would say I’m quite a concealed, undemonstrative person. I believe I’m quite aware of myself and the impact of my actions but rarely have others come into my life that I feel know and can see the real me, no matter what I do and say.

So it's refreshing to be myself, without any pretention; in fact it’s a complete relief. The sense that I can let my guard down and be accepted completely as I am, even if everything is not perfect. Until recently I would say that I had 'pretended', covered maybe 80% of the time and it still even shocks me that I could and would not let the real me be revealed.

I think I am quite different from my parents, so maybe my early years are responsible for the hidden personality. I know that I sought quite stark answers early in my life, to deep questions that my parents found uncomfortable to answer, about life and about God. My parents still find it uncomfortable being direct, they find it difficult to step out of average middle England, let alone enabling me to experience the real and living God as a pre-teenage child. The world beyond our shores or those colonies which started in Britain still remain scary places for my parents, even in today’s shrinking global community. This all makes me challenge everything more, not just to be difficult but just to gain answers.

As we each explore the unknown how do we cope with answers that challenge who and what we are? I love thinking about who, what and why I am…I know that often there are no answers and that is OK but occasionally I just want a simple, straight forward mind and body absorbing answer and experience.

Something that fulfils and gratifies…

As a Christian I know that I don’t need to tell God everything, because what I am is what God created. God knows me and accepts me but relationship is key to how God created me. Knowing¸being and supporting others and knowing being and allowing others to experience the real me... is what God requires.

We are created to worship God in all situations and to be in relationship with others. It is only then that “… the wall starts to come down”

...I hear what you're saying

I promised myself that this year I would really try to listen to phrases that shouted out to me.

I know that God uses all kinds of channels to make His voice heard in our lives and for me that particularly resonates within dialogue and images. So “I hear what you’re saying” is a common phrase that I heard today and as I read the words I wondered whether I and others do really hear what others say?

Mat 13:12-17 (NIV)

"You will be ever hearing but never understanding; you will be ever seeing but never perceiving. For this people's heart has become callused; they hardly hear with their ears, and they have closed their eyes. Otherwise they might see with their eyes, hear with their ears, understand with their hearts and turn, and I would heal them.' But blessed are your eyes because they see, and your ears because they hear. For I tell you the truth, many prophets and righteous men longed to see what you see but did not see it, and to hear what you hear but did not hear it."

Beyond hearing is understanding and applying empathy as required. After all, information that we are told, that is shared with us, is to be acted upon in some way or form. Otherwise why would others share it with us?

To put ourselves in another’s place and to hear and absorb what is shared can be challenging. We each have our own agendas and to separate out our own desires from what others share with us can be difficult. Difficult on many levels – from my own perspective I know that I truly feel I want the best for others, I truly want God’s mandate and yet I still want, wish, pray that this will be the same as my own wishes and mandate. So letting go of my own desires to fulfil another’s can be challenging.

It has caused me to fall asleep this week in prayer shedding involuntary tears, Why? What? How? I don’t know.

So all of this makes me wonder how much we really hear what others are saying to us.

Sometimes words are just one of the ways we are able to express emotions. In fact, often this is the method we use to say one thing whilst meaning another. Words are often seen as a smokescreen. On their own…without other emotions, words can be deceptive if required. We can easily say one thing and mean another, can’t we?

From my perspective, this is completely true unless the connection with the ‘other’ extends beyond mere friendship, into a deeper and more meaningful interactive relationship. But the ‘other’ can still choose to misunderstand, misinterpret or ignore what is being said. So how far does the other go to reinforce the message? Understanding the line from persistence to aggravation is key. And this varies from person to person, situation to situation and is time dependant.

So hearing is more about the act of listening….it needs the recipient to understand and empathise at a deeper and more spiritual level.  Lord I pray you reinforce this skill in me. Amen

...what do you see?

A mirror reflects but sometimes it only complicates the problem.

You would think a mirror enables vision, makes what is visible clear and shows what is really in front of it, wouldn’t you?

But often for many of us the whole picture or image is too much to take in, maybe it will take us a life time to see, appreciate and understand the whole of who we are. As in life, dealing with tasks in bite size chunks is the easiest way to gain any sense of achievement. Sometimes all of who we are is difficult to comprehend. We are each unique and complex, often contradictory and unsure.

We frequently look at all we are and more than likely come up with many areas of ourselves and/or our lives that we feel don’t live up to our expectations, or that of God, if you are a Christian like me.

So how do we feel?

Less than perfect?

Do you ever want to cover the mirror?

Or Look away?

And why do we only look at extremes in the mirror? Those parts which are the best and those which are the worst? The extremes which not only complicate and confuse the problem, but highlight the gulf that exists between the two. Holding a mirror up to all that is good and less so, about ourselves and our lives can be both a pleasurable and painful experience.

As we move into a New Year, I have been encouraged to look away from the old and move to the new.

Romans 12:2

“Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.”

So as we look in the mirror are we able to see what God sees? Does God prefer the parts of us that we like or those that we look away from? And why do we feel the need to look away from what is reflected?

For me, the word in Romans 12 that is important is the word ‘test’.

It means that God expects our mirrors to reflect imperfections – or even that what we see as imperfections may not be the same in God’s eyes. And it is only through testing that we will be able to discern God’s will. Not just His laws but His true will for each of our lives.

...new year

New Year’s Day is the perfect opportunity to sit, think and reflect on the year past and the New Year ahead. What was good about the year past? What do I want to keep doing? And what was not so great? How can I learn from that and do things differently?  In business this is a natural cycle, a method that we use continually – Plan, Implement, Monitor, Improve, Evaluate…and then plan again.

I guess there are all kinds of business models that can be utilised in our personal lives but often we abandon these and yet still expect ourselves and our relationships to grow, improve and achieve frequently unwritten goals.

The nearest most of us get to goal setting might be a list of New Year’s resolutions but if these aren’t SMART – how can we expect to achieve them?

I recently watched the movie New Year’s Eve and there was a storyline and quote that really made me think.

The storyline was about a character who had written a list of resolutions. It was quite an eclectic mix of experiences and actions. The list started with a catalyst action which the character took but then she floundered because the rest of the list appeared unachievable, unrealistic and didn’t include any ‘by when’ targets.  And so often that’s why our own resolutions flounder and fail before we’ve even begun.

Sometimes others can see our goals or resolutions in new, creative or imaginative ways – so that goals which seem out of reach are achievable, even if in more flexible or open ways. Maybe a New Year’s Resolution Mentor would be a good idea? Again we expect to receive guidance and advice to achieve our goals in a work context – so why do we often abandon this idea in our personal lives and relationships?

In the film, out of the box innovative thinking was used to find new ways to experience the resolutions. These were not always in the way the creator had imagined but enabled the resolutions to become achievable – along with the sense of exhilaration that accompanies success.

And this leads onto the quote that really stopped me in my ‘thinking tracks’…

“If you knew you wouldn’t fail, what things in life would you do?”

This brought home to me the fear and worry I assign to so many things if life – that stop me doing and being all kinds of things. Does my life and who I am measure up? To what God requires? To the rules of the society I live within? To the ideas and expectations of my family, friends and colleagues? 

Surely the echo within us – God within us, wants us to experience all we were created to be. So what stops us is our own questioning of what others will think of our actions and or decisions.

Often in business those who succeed simply don’t acknowledge or see failure, they take risks and fully experience life. There is no failure, just a different outcome.

So what does 2012 hold? If nothing else, an acknowledgement that I have the freedom to have, achieve and celebrate goals!