...secrets

Even typing the word ‘Secrets’ makes me feel naughty. The meaning behind the word is enough to evoke strong emotions in me. Is this just a moral code? Something cultural that I have been taught to understand or is there some deeper spiritual resonance that this word stirs in each of us?

My first memory of understanding secrets comes from primary school. Secrets become something of a currency that children can trade with. Apart from friendship, I guess there is little other influence that you possess aged 5. Secrets become power in the playground. Secrets, true or false can be traded to acquire friendship, information and possessions. Understanding the value of the secret is all important to ensure the equity gained in return is fair.

So, it’s a learning curve – I seem to remember being open and honest, only to discover that the secrets I gained were wholly untrue. The next time I was more aware, assured to bargain more appropriately.

Maybe at primary school we can assign gaining secrets as seeking knowledge.  So what is it about knowledge that is hidden that is more interesting than that available in the public domain? It has to come down to power. Is a secret that is of no interest to anyone else, not a secret? Is it simply unknown information?

Each of us hold information about us, others or situations that no-one else knows. But we are all able to sift this into a) unknown/with no power vs. b) unknown/with power – The Secret.

As we mature we learn which secrets to share with whom and at what price.

Sometimes secrets are carried from cradle to grave to hide disappointment, pain, horror – from ourselves and others around us.

Ever since the creation of life, (as quoted in Genesis) man has been intrigued with secrets.

In fact this could be a contentious question but was it God that introduced man to secrets with the tree of life? The reality was it was a secret that fundamentally changed God’s life plan for humanity. Equally in life there are some secrets that should just not be shared.

As well as power, secrets can come with a sense of burden. A heaviness of heart that by retaining the information changes the spirit of the person and the life they live.

So to unburden, share that secret..is that a good thing? Would it be better to keep the secret? And doesn’t this go against the natural, moral sense of right that most of us have?

God certainly hasn’t shared all details of creation with man – is that keeping secrets? Or has and does God reveal all but we don’t have the capacity to discern, see or hear the secrets divulged?

I don’t think there is an easy answer to any of this but I do think that secrets are not necessarily bad or naughty but just a way of filtering information.

Next time you consider keeping or sharing a secret maybe reflect on why you are doing that – and for what purpose…?

...intimate gazing

I feel like I might have done my usual and rushed through my thoughts on “…gazing”, so I’m going to try expansion on just one area and see where this goes.

Beware…this could get deeper and more intimate.

I’ve expressed how I’m aware of the power of the gaze and how particularly I have utilised this to wield a sense of ‘power’ over others.

The reality is, whilst I might know and sense this power, what I don’t understand is how it works.

Particularly when it comes to the intimate gaze…

Surely looking at another is not powerful? And if it is, who holds the power?

I wonder whether the power of the intimate gaze is held by the gazing partner or the other who allows the gaze to penetrate the outer and then inner façade?

What does it mean when one partner is unable to hold the gaze?

Are they weaker? Protective of themselves or the other? Or maybe simply not interested…?

I’ve often observed an attractive other but when my gaze is met I withdraw, scared perhaps of what the consequences might be, of where the gaze might lead me.

It’s easier to look down and break the gaze momentarily, giving enough time for each party to gather themselves. Will I look up again? Enter that emotion…? Of course

Interpretation of the intimate gaze needs to be understood and felt by both parties. There are unspoken rules and a confidence required within each interaction.

I’ve learnt that gazing takes confidence, assurance of who I am, what I want and what I can offer.

Otherwise the gaze is simply an empty promise.

What does your gaze say? And require?

...gazing

As I grew up I became aware that my eyes were probably my best feature. It was the one part of me that people frequently commented on. The intensity of them, the dark chocolate colour and the mesmerising impact that my gaze had on others.

Most children want to receive praise in some shape or form and having cute, entrancing eyes was the characteristic that wrapped my Dad round my little finger, that stopped teachers in their tracks when telling me off and ensured a constant stream of boys as friends from the start of primary school.

However with adolescence comes the paradox of wanting to stand out and yet blend in all at the same time. If I think back I know it was at that point that I became self conscious, concerned that my eyes would be the part of me that made an impact and made others see me, just as I wanted to blend in.

It was from that point on I started to look up less and look downward more. I became concerned and fearful that my eyes would betray my emotions and that others would be able to see through me. See my desire, see my fear and challenge me back with their eyes…and with their gaze.

So I learnt to keep my gaze to myself as much as I could, to be less permeable.

However as I think about this now I can see how my ability to gaze has shaped who I am and my interactions with others.

Gazing is not just about day dreaming or simply seeing or looking. There is something about it that resonates deeply with who I am and enables others to connect with me too. Connection happens on an emotional and spiritual level – gazing is the gateway to my soul and occasionally allows me to access deeply into the heart of others too.

As I gaze I’m aware that it’s about discerning what I see, about understanding at a deeper level than just the surface visual signals. There is a sense of being transfixed while the discernment takes place, amazement at what signals can be gleaned and the perception of emotions conveyed without words or even touch.

I’m also conscious that for those who connect with me that holding my gaze can remove all barriers. For those I allow access it is an opportunity to see into the heart and wholeness of who I am.

So, gazing is so much more than just looking and seeing.

Astronomers star gaze and yet it’s so much more than simply looking at objects in the sky. In the Bible the ‘Wisemen’ were eastern scholars who gazed at the sky for years, watching for a sign, understanding the meaning behind it and then acting on the wisdom their gazing revealed. And over 2000 years later their gazing continues to impact our world.

Christ also calls us to gaze on Him. That by keeping our gazed focused on Him that we will see God revealed.

So if you find yourself gazing today, stop and ask yourself what is revealed ...beyond just seeing.

...Pandora's Box

It’s often the way that creative ideas and thoughts come to me either as I’m drifting in and out of sleep or as a result of some time spent in contemplation. I then often feel called to action via confirmation from a third party conversation or perhaps something I read or hear.

I’m never sure if these prompts exist all the time and we are only aware of those that are relevant for us at that moment – I guess a whole other blog could be written around that idea.

Anyhow, it was as I had been contemplating a thought around Pandora’s Box that the same jumped out of a page at me, enough to make me take the thought further around the compartmentalisation of our lives.

For me Pandora’s Box had always symbolised the hiding and separation of ‘things’ that were perhaps better kept secret or just simply something that others didn’t know about or hadn’t experienced.

So when thinking about my life in that way, it made me consider that many of us compartmentalise who we are. The child, the adult, the parent, the carer, the partner, the employee, the friend, the lover, the list goes on…

It makes me wonder how many of the compartments of who we are and of who I am cross-over.  Like a Venn diagram. And who I let see which bits and why?

I wonder which boxes I open most frequently and why that is. Why do I neglect some compartments all together? And what is hidden in the dark recessed corners of every box that I have either never discovered myself or I may even be afraid of letting out?

It might be a challenge and those around us may be surprised if we fling all our boxes open but as complex as we each are, it’s important to recognise and face the parts of who we are that we don’t explore and develop. That we keep hidden as they may not easily conform to others expectations or even to our own.

Interesting then that when I looked for the definition of Pandora’s Box it was much darker than I anticipated. Coming out of Greek mythology and being a jar which contained all the evils of the world.

Pandora unwittingly released all evil contents with all that remained being Hope.

I believe all we are is important – that there is a season for all compartments and a time for all that is within them to be set free.

God created each of us uniquely, He knows all our compartments and within Him is our hope to be all we can be. So, let’s remember to open and uncover the compartments of our lives that we have hidden, ignored or forgotten, because they are part of who we are too.

...reflected

It was during a conversation with a friend today that I realised how inspired I was by what others see in me, my work or insight.

The reflecting back by another of what I have said, or created can often enlighten and inspire me even more and open my eyes to see what was not there before.

It leaves me wondering if I could have ever seen, developed or extended the original concept, if only I had been more reflective, spent more time in contemplation or simply not rushed to come to a conclusion.

Some of this is about who I am and my personality. I’m a creative design led person, where the process begins with ideas, often lots of them. These are then distilled, designs become products and then become a part of consumers lives.

The opposite is true when others reflect back to me on just one thought or idea, rather than a process of convergence – the reflection takes me further into divergence but on a route through another’s perspective.

It goes against what I naturally do but I have discovered I love it…

Developing, deepening and exploring further through the reflectional ideas, inspiration or excitement of another feels completely consuming.

It brings with it an overwhelming desire and a relational connection that is really strong.

This shared understanding; of co-created divergence opens up a whole world of new possibilities.

Like the images that are created when two mirrors are placed opposite each other. 

Both seeing the same view but from a different space and the reflection created goes on and on and on…

...dom-da-dom-dom-dommmmm

As I was whizzing through friends comments on a social network site this evening one status caught my attention “I’m bored of being myself”.

It made me stop and think what could this person mean and had I ever been bored of being myself? And what did that mean and feel like?

Boredom instinctively feels like something that is repetitive, a routine, task or pattern that is so familiar that it no longer excites.

Does that mean that we are no longer exciting? Or simply that we cease to see, notice and invest time in those parts of our lives that can help keep us excited. It’s an internal sensation, recognition that we no longer like or appreciate the person we have become. We measure ourselves against others’ external persona and have a sense of falling short.

I say we, I mean me…

So would ‘reinventing’ myself solve the boredom?

I think the answer is contained in the final three letters of that word …dom

I don’t know whether this root ending comes from the word ‘Dominion’ but it makes sense. And if so, it actually means we each have the power, authority and control to change the ‘bore’ part.

As Christians, God has empowered each of us with choice to seek His Freedom & Kingdom.

So let’s not be happy to be bored with ourselves, God isn’t because He gave us the …dom!

How funny that on re-reading the social network comment, I realised that it actually said “I’m bored of being by myself”, a whole different phrase….

But a good prompt to remember to exercise our …dom!

...eclipse

It came up in conversation with a friend, the word eclipse and it made me think about what this word means and further than that what it makes me feel.

Without looking at a dictionary definition my understanding is one ‘thing’ partially or completely covering another. I guess more significance is put on what is being hidden rather than the object obscuring the view.

It occurred to me that in the Bible there is a type of ‘eclipse’ moment in the gospels of both Matthew and Luke. Luke Chapter 24 explains how the tomb where Jesus had been laid after his crucifixation had been sealed with a stone covering the entrance. But when the two Mary’s had gone to the tomb to embalm Jesus’ body the stone had been rolled away. Nothing could ‘eclipse’ or contain Jesus and the dazzling light of angels told the women that Jesus had risen from the dead.

So what stone or stones exist that cover or try to contain each of us? And what dazzling lights are within us that need to shine through, be seen and revealed?

Our stones will each be different but I’m sure whether we are believers or not we would want ourselves and our lives to be fulfilled.

My stone is a collection of things – people, situations and fear…

Others surely have more experience than me or have a voice that is more valid than mine. I’m scared to go there, do that or revisit the situation where it was hard the first time and finally what if I fail? How will that feel for me? How and what will others think of me? So maybe I’ll just leave the stone in place and continue to be eclipsed.

But seeing a full moon or the sun high in a clear blue sky with no clouds obscuring the view gives a sense of awe and perfection.

The same is true for us. To be seen and to reveal ourselves in our entirety and letting our whole selves shine is what we were each born to do.

We are each blessed to live and are called to be all that God made us to be.

So if you have experienced a full solar eclipse, I would urge you to remember the eerie silence and cold moment that exists when the life giving sun is covered by the moon.

Close your eyes and feel the silence and stillness just for a minute …

And then push your stones aside and dazzle!

..meet Mr Right...

"Love is passion, obsession, someone you can't live without. If you don't start with that, what are you going to end up with? Fall head over heels. I say find someone you can love like crazy and who'll love you the same way back. And how do you find him? Forget your head and listen to your heart. I'm not hearing any heart. Run the risk, if you get hurt, you'll come back. Because, the truth is there is no sense living your life without this. To make the journey and not fall deeply in love - well, you haven't lived a life at all. You have to try. Because if you haven't tried, you haven't lived."
Best quote from film "Meet Joe Black"

...life and dreams

So, it’s been quite a year for me.

Up until this point I would have described myself and my life as ‘normal’ – although in saying that I equally knew that what ‘normal’ is, of course is completely subjective and changes depending on culture and context.

Suffice to say that my expectations of normal came to a grinding halt – the details are somewhat irrelevant but have bought me to an unexpected, although within my life stage not unusual place.

A time to invest in rediscovering what makes me who I am.

What is important to me?  What have I lost along the way that I want to rediscover? What have I not yet discovered at all?

So faced with the emotional pain of what in physical terms would have occurred as a result of running at 100 miles an hour into a brick wall – the recovery process starts. Slowly and painfully, piecing together both the wall (my external context & environment), as well as my physical and emotional self.

“Time is a great healer” is the common phrase as well as “Forgive and forget” but what do these things really mean. They are often phrases uttered by well meaning people or the ‘other’ who may have caused the pain in the first place.

Either way, I guess they both actually mean’ move on’, ‘get over it’!

So what is it about moving on and getting over something that is good? And why is feeling and experiencing the lows only ‘allowed’ for a finite time? ‘Dwelling’ on a situation is that so bad? Isn’t it just trying to understand and discern all facets of the context with a view to gleaning wisdom?

So my lack of ability to make a quick decision and ‘move on’ whether that actually means changing the external situation and my internal emotions or just my internal emotions, feels like something I’m being made to rush through.

And the real answer is I can’t… Well, I could but to what end?

I do want to live…really live, which is why I can’t live in this state indefinitely or keep those around me in a suspended place. But that is equally why the decision is so scary – in fact for me, more scary than the choice to get married and have children. Two of the biggest life stages and changes.

So why is this so difficult and scary for me?

Well getting married and having children, for me was like a natural A,B,C progression. Perhaps I was lucky, or maybe I was unlucky in that it seems I really didn’t consider it enough. Does anyone? I don’t know, I’d thought everyone was just like me. If the Me of today was in those situations, I definitely would be more discerning around the decisions I was making. So maybe that’s it…

The Me I am now, comes with a whole load of experiences, which makes for mindful decision making.

And maybe there is something around the expectation that is created by the decision I make.

The outcome of this decision won’t be a white wedding dress or a healthy new born baby.

But I do want it to be my Glittery Tale…It needs to sparkle, excite and fulfil me!