...feelings of self

Whilst I don’t physically or even mentally adjust who I am and the age I portray, I’ve become aware that I do feel a different age dependent on the context I am within. I certainly feel this internally and wonder how much others experience a ‘different age me’ externally? However I guess that if my theory is even partially correct, others also experience shifting in age dependent on context too, so their experience of me would be dependent on their own state.

Ooohhh mind ‘games’ are so exciting, this almost feels like the film Back to the Future.

This thought emerged as I became aware, within a recent friendship, that involuntary changes occur which make me feel significantly different in this situation, from how I feel around other individuals. I’m aware that my language shifts, my body language alters and I actually feel a different age. These behaviours enable me to perceive myself in a whole other, younger and more playful decade of my life.

Similarly I acknowledged when I entered the workplace many years ago, that some individuals in positions of power have the ability to always make me feel like a child in front of the Head Teacher. Scared, afraid, intimidated, regardless of my abilities or even confidence within them. In these situations I feel a very real sense of regression and I’ve always wondered how much this regression is externally perceived by those who unknowingly create the shift in my internal perception.

This is more than just external behavior, be it either physical and/or verbal but it is a deep sense of internal resonance brought about by other individuals, which internally enables me to experience another me. Perhaps a younger me, an independent, free me or a frightened scared child, me…etc.

I’ve always been fascinated in how others see and interpret me, as it’s certainly not straight forward. It would be easy if those in positions of power always had the effect of making me feel and behave like a child, or if those individuals who are playful bring out the carefree me but the connection goes deeper than action correlating to outcome.

And maybe it’s simply that as I get older, I have more physical & cognitive experiences that can draw me back to earlier, other versions or feelings of self.

How will I ever know? I guess I’ll have to find out from others what they experience in me…