...wondering about wandering

It’s interesting that just when I wonder whether God is talking to me,  I wander into His presence and nothing becomes something.

Bizarrely and randomly this evening I was confronted by an image of a Harlequin Mime Artist.

1. It is so dreadfully uncool and fills my memories or Arena posters from the 1980’s.

2. If you don’t remember Arena then perhaps you won’t get me.

Large images of Harlequin Pierrot suddenly filled my mind and made me wonder how such a strong outward appearance and image managed to hide the pain that the Pierrot always expressed. The face was expressionless often, except one perfect tear.

Whilst the body language, dance and music would express a whole load of emotion the Pierrot’s face remained set.

I wonder how often I go through life with one face on the outside, whilst experiencing another on the inside? Or how my actions belie my real state of emotions and I’m left wondering when or if others will notice this without the Pierrot mask cracking? And what will happen if the Pierrot mask does crack, what will be revealed, will the pieces fit back together again and if they do will they look the same?

The Pierrot tried to communicate everything through mime and dance as if a glass screen separated their physical & vocal being from those who were viewing the scene. Shouting does not cut through and large expansive movements do not convey the subtlety of the human condition.

So next time you look at me…or another, imagine there is sound proof glass between us. Can you pick up on the small movements, can you feel the emotion beyond the unchanging expression and can you hear what is being said without words?

If not, why not?

...lamenting

Psalm 55:4-8

The Message (MSG)

 ^4-8 My insides are turned inside out;
      specters of death have me down.
   I shake with fear,
      I shudder from head to foot.
   "Who will give me wings," I ask—
      "wings like a dove?"
   Get me out of here on dove wings;
      I want some peace and quiet.
   I want a walk in the country,
      I want a cabin in the woods.
   I'm desperate for a change
      from rage and stormy weather.

...self discovery

It’s been a weird couple of days for me – experiencing huge elation fuelled by self discovery, alongside deep lows fuelled equally by the opposite scale of self discovery. The assumption is that the emotion one would feel is of equilibrium…neither elated nor in despair, however the reality felt quite different.

It reminded me of a physical journey taken recently. My co traveller had a mobile application that enabled us to find all the planets and stars that were above us in the night sky. As we travelled we had been discussing our knowledge of constellations and what could be seen when and where above us within our hemisphere.

Needless to say our knowledge was quite basic but our desire to feel and see beyond ourselves was genuinely acute. As we shared we learnt and once the mobile application was passed around, what had once seemed complicated, mysterious and hidden became glaringly obvious.

Often life can be like this. Something that was once mysterious, exotic or exciting can tip the scales to the opposite extreme. The object of our desire hasn’t changed but our view has shifted or perhaps despite the clarity – we chose to put a smokescreen in the way.

With knowledge can come the desire to explore further or maybe this is replaced by the fear of what might be found and uncovered, within ourselves. The exploration or withdrawal sensation we experience depends on how open we each are to recognise and acknowledge new experiences and the sense of moving forward.

Like taking a journey along a particular path – we cannot forget the scenery along the way or how we had enjoyed the view. It cannot be erased or forgotten but what it should do is inform us about the errors we may have made along the route and equally what we enjoyed.

So back to my wonderful view of the constellations…

I now know where to see the orange glow of Mars in the night sky and where Venus – the brightest star can be seen. I’m a better star gazer as a result and can now look to extend my knowledge and experiences further.

Going back is not an option…

I can equally say that Jesus came to move man forward and to keep moving us forward. Otherwise as Christians we would still be completely bound by the laws of The Old Testament. However as with the only assurity in our lives – that we each are born to die, we also know that Jesus came to save us and will one day come again. Jesus lived a life that moved Him forward, from a baby born as a King and deliverer, to a King who many could not see and accept due to the smokescreens they had/have put in the way.

So my journey of self discovery continues…

I am in this place because of all that has gone before, as are those whose lives I have touched. Looking back is not an option, who we are is what we have experienced and God can turn any and all of this into His desires.

...suddenly so clear

...c'est vrai, c'est un...

...rising from the ashes

...inner self

The phrase “Body, Mind and Soul” appears to sum up how society ranks all that we encompass as human beings. Body first, Mind second and Soul last.

In conversation with a colleague recently I was curious if he had a ‘type’, when it came to seeking a partner. He candidly said "No...", that it was more about personality and interests but then ended by mentioning that of course she had to be ‘good looking’ – whatever ‘good looking’ meant to him. So it seems that on a communal and individual level, we are commonly unable to access the Mind and Soul of others without first prioritising the visual.

Societies around the world are constructed and interpreted on the visual - for once this spans across the developed and developing world and from northern to southern hemispheres, regardless of race, gender or ethnicity. I’m sure there is research data available that could both inform and perhaps shock us, about how much time we each on average spend attending to our outward appearance. From thinking about it, to actioning it and all the stages in between.

So it seems that visual appearance is all powerful in our world…

But what about our inner selves, how much time do we invest in developing who we are? I don’t mean our Minds, in terms of developing the rational, analytical part of ourselves. This ranks a clear second in terms of the knowledge we seek to acquire and the skills we attain. The education of our minds. Also, I don’t mean our inner selves as our Soul, the emotional, moral and spiritual part of who we are.  It’s true that for most whilst the Body and Mind remains core, the Soul is frequently not even considered an essential part of life today.

So what is missing from the above that can help us understand these disparate elements?

For me it’s intuition that helps me to feel and discern the rational to the emotional. That doesn’t mean I don’t utilise the rational but within the black and white of wrong and right – I like to feel that sense of grey. So that not only does something look right but it feels right too. I’m not talking about emotion but more like a perception or an intrinsic and often unquantifiable sensation. My intuitive self, is the real me, I can’t explain me in this context, others can truly only access it by feeling who I am. It’s not a visual or intellectual embodiment.

From a spiritual perspective I wonder if intuition is what drew and kept the disciples following Jesus? The visual (including the miracles the disciples witnessed), didn’t completely allay their doubts and fears and leaving all their possessions and family to follow Jesus could not be categorised as rational. But their intuition told the Disciples that Jesus was the Son of God. The writings from the Prophets rationally pointed the Disciples in that direction too but it was their intuition and ultimately faith that led them to truly believe.

Developing our intuition is an internal way of understanding and sensing our true selves, what we believe and feel.

So I wonder whether God is intuition, the intrinsic centre of who we are.

...censored

Express the mess

That adds to the stress of life

Where pain and shame

Aloud exclaim the hurt.

Where work averts

Where senses alert

Where numbness is inert

To all that is exert.

Feelings remain

Yet the senses have dulled

The imprint retained

And the memory culled, to survive.

Enough is enough

When things are so tough

And I’m calling time

As I resign and align

To the journey revealed over time

Stand out moments cannot be ignored

Sensational experiences should be explored

Within the heart & mind stored

The forever new should be implored

By the one who is self censored...

...being led

Today it’s Palm Sunday and I had been asked quite some time ago to share a personal journey with others at Church.

The date had not resonated with me but as I have discovered so many times in my life, things rarely happen by chance. This date, this time and this place – all felt pre-ordained. I had been led by an experience and now was being led by God to share.

Being led felt fulfilling, the spirit of God was in that time and space and all points were converging to achieve the maximum impact.

But it also made me wonder how many times have I pulled in the opposite direction to God’s leading? And how do I know when God is in control and how do I let Him truly guide my life?

It made me think about how it feels when I take my dog for a walk. She is excited by all the opportunities open to her – the sense of excitement is overwhelming. The sights, the sounds and the smells send her into a whirl of choices.

Sometimes I keep her on a tight leash and have the determination to train her every step of the way. But it hurts, she causes me relentless pain and it requires endless repetition of commands…when will she listen and respond to the teaching that I know she understands?

I recognise myself in the above and feel the pain that I must cause God the Father. But God doesn’t have me on a leash, He has given me freedom to be led by Him or not. To keep Him in my vision and follow the ‘walk’ that He has planned for me, or not.

This can feel like an exercise in divergence – the chance to explore all that is out there in life. God gives us the skills to use our intuition, along with discernment and wisdom to converge on the right choices.  But in life we may converge too quickly or remain in this state without reviewing the opportunities that God calls us to explore.

Convergence without exploration and openness to change could be deciphered as the fear to truly be led by God. Convergence should not be mistaken for taking the easy path; our path in life will not remain unchanged. God does ask us to continually seek and grow in Him.

Easter is a time where Jesus’ divergent journey comes together. Where all the pre-ordained predictions from Prophets throughout the Old Testament converge in that time and place.

So for me, this Easter is a good time to evaluate my journey with God and to continually remain open to His leading.

What about you?