...great expectations

I was reminded by a feature on the news this morning about the impact and effect nostalgia has upon us, when the TV production team cut back from a shot of music from the 1970’s & 80’s only to catch the middle aged presenters dancing on camera.

It made me wonder about my own momentous and iconic memories and what it is in these that make me remember these as my favourite times or perhaps my favourite age.

1.     I’m 14 or 15 and I have found and am comfortable with my unique identity. I no longer feel like a child, I am able to formulate my own opinions, I realise my own attractiveness and am exploring what I find attractive in a partner. I know what I like and what I don’t, I finally feel I have acquired almost all the basic knowledge needed for life and by now I even know stuff my parents don’t!

So what was it about this time in my life that I look back on so fondly, almost aspirationally? It felt like I was on the edge of a precipice, the future was entirely in my hands – or so it felt. The future opportunities and expectations were exciting beyond all measure. I could do, be and achieve all my dreams; all options were open to me, with no limits and no no’s!

2.     I’m 30 and have given birth to my second healthy & happy child; my world is complete in a perfect family bubble. It meets all external expectations of normality & ‘happiness’.

So why by this stage were cracks already beginning to appear? I would and will always say that my children are the most important and defining part of me. My life has been, is and will always be them. They are the most amazing ‘thing’ I have ever done. So clearly this should be one of my most favourite times, shouldn’t it? Even admitting it isn’t feels wrong.

Is it because my initial dreams were too big or unrealistic? Or maybe it’s simply that the choices I made meant that my great expectations were starting to feel out of reach and I was in a precipice of my own making.

3.     I’m in the third stage of life and what is yet to come, I pray. I feel it must be in a shared environment with a person who brings the best out in me. Once again it feels free, full of expectation, joy and mellow warmth.

So how do I get here, when to some extent I am still in a self created precipice?

There is something about needing to take the opportunity to lift and remove any of the barriers that are limiting me, helping this to yet be a momentous era.  Because I can make this what I want, it still can be exciting beyond all measure.

Whilst this blog feels quite melancholy, it’s actually a celebration of knowing who I am, what I like, what is off track and where my signposts are for the future.

Which leaves me feeling that there are no dreams or expectations that are too great?

So, what were your great expectations? Because if you haven’t reminisced lately on where you started, how can you ever expect to arrive?