...life and dreams

So, it’s been quite a year for me.

Up until this point I would have described myself and my life as ‘normal’ – although in saying that I equally knew that what ‘normal’ is, of course is completely subjective and changes depending on culture and context.

Suffice to say that my expectations of normal came to a grinding halt – the details are somewhat irrelevant but have bought me to an unexpected, although within my life stage not unusual place.

A time to invest in rediscovering what makes me who I am.

What is important to me?  What have I lost along the way that I want to rediscover? What have I not yet discovered at all?

So faced with the emotional pain of what in physical terms would have occurred as a result of running at 100 miles an hour into a brick wall – the recovery process starts. Slowly and painfully, piecing together both the wall (my external context & environment), as well as my physical and emotional self.

“Time is a great healer” is the common phrase as well as “Forgive and forget” but what do these things really mean. They are often phrases uttered by well meaning people or the ‘other’ who may have caused the pain in the first place.

Either way, I guess they both actually mean’ move on’, ‘get over it’!

So what is it about moving on and getting over something that is good? And why is feeling and experiencing the lows only ‘allowed’ for a finite time? ‘Dwelling’ on a situation is that so bad? Isn’t it just trying to understand and discern all facets of the context with a view to gleaning wisdom?

So my lack of ability to make a quick decision and ‘move on’ whether that actually means changing the external situation and my internal emotions or just my internal emotions, feels like something I’m being made to rush through.

And the real answer is I can’t… Well, I could but to what end?

I do want to live…really live, which is why I can’t live in this state indefinitely or keep those around me in a suspended place. But that is equally why the decision is so scary – in fact for me, more scary than the choice to get married and have children. Two of the biggest life stages and changes.

So why is this so difficult and scary for me?

Well getting married and having children, for me was like a natural A,B,C progression. Perhaps I was lucky, or maybe I was unlucky in that it seems I really didn’t consider it enough. Does anyone? I don’t know, I’d thought everyone was just like me. If the Me of today was in those situations, I definitely would be more discerning around the decisions I was making. So maybe that’s it…

The Me I am now, comes with a whole load of experiences, which makes for mindful decision making.

And maybe there is something around the expectation that is created by the decision I make.

The outcome of this decision won’t be a white wedding dress or a healthy new born baby.

But I do want it to be my Glittery Tale…It needs to sparkle, excite and fulfil me!